Woman heard God say 'return to me' after years living as transgender man

A woman who lived as a man for six years said she returned to her "true identity" after what she described as a powerful encounter with God. 

In an essay published Friday in Christianity Today, Kyla Gillespie wrote that she struggled with gender dysphoria beginning in early childhood. 

"I can remember, at 3 or 4 years old, being abused by an elderly family member," Gillespie wrote. "Through my mom's quick response, it never happened again. But my difficulties were not over. I began to feel confused about my gender.'" 

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She recalled another moment around the time she started elementary school.

"Once, I was sitting by the ice rink where my hockey team practiced," Gillespie said. "I was no more than 5 years old. My parents had just been informed that I would no longer be allowed to change in the general locker room with the boys. As the only girl on the team, I would need to change in the girls' washroom. My little mind couldn't take it in."

Gillespie said her confusion deepened after her parents divorced and both remarried, leading her to split time between households. She described feeling rejected by her stepmother.

"By age 16 or 17, it was becoming evident that I was no longer welcome in my dad's home with his new wife and children," Gillespie wrote. "My stepmom didn't want me to be part of their tight-knit unit, and I began to tiptoe around what was once my carefree home. I happily shared a room with my new stepsister, but from one weekend to another my personal belongings began to disappear."

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Gillespie wrote that she poured herself into hockey, eventually joining a professional team, and later struggled with alcohol use, gambling and failed same-sex relationships. She said she eventually enrolled in a Christian recovery center to address her addiction.

"I got sober there, but my battles with same-sex attraction and gender dysphoria continued," Gillespie wrote. "To try to win the war raging inside of me, I decided to transition from female to male. Two years later, after hormone therapy, surgeries, and sweeping lifestyle changes, I could finally pass unnoticed in the world as a man."

Gillespie lived as "Brycen" for six years, but, according to her essay, her perspective began to shift after she met a couple at a church service, Jess and her husband, BJ. Gillespie wrote that months later, Jess offered her a place to stay if she chose to detransition, which she initially declined.

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"One night I was overwhelmed in the darkness, sobbing in bed," Gillespie wrote. "Needing to know God's mind, I climbed out and crumpled to the floor, crying for relief, for clarity. Not a half-hearted cry like the ones I had made so many times before without being willing to change or surrender, but a deep soul-cry from a place of abandon-a cry for him to rescue me." 

"After six years of living as Brycen, I cried out, 'What do you want from me?'" she continued. "There on my bedroom floor, I heard God speak into my heart so clearly that I will never forget it: 'Return to me, Kyla.'"

Gillespie is now the founder of Renewed & Transformed, a ministry that focuses on Christian teachings related to faith, sexuality and identity. She is also the author of "TransFormed," a book about her gender confusion and being surgically transitioned from female to male by the age of 31, and journey of detransition. 

In the esay, Gillespie wrote that she ultimately accepted Jess and BJ's offer to stay with them during her detransition. She said that while the struggle is ongoing, she will "never look back."